Many of us long for great love — not just romantic love, but the kind where we feel like an unbeatable team. To live with someone who is both a best friend, a lover, and an inspiration. To build a life with someone who resonates at the same frequency as you, someone who sees you, understands you, and loves you for who you are.
But many believe this should happen naturally, like a gift from the heavens that suddenly falls into their lap. This is where romantic movies have misled us. Sure, you might meet someone where everything feels amazing, but sustaining that love requires awareness, growth, and countless uncomfortable choices. That part rarely makes it to the big screen — because it wouldn’t sell tickets. We don’t see the effort it takes to roll up our sleeves, look ourselves deeply in the eyes, and ask: “What am I doing that is standing in the way of what I long for?”
Many people are blind to their own shortcomings but can easily point out every flaw in their partner or those around them. But that’s the easy part. The hard part is seeing yourself, daring to acknowledge your own contribution to the dynamics of the relationship, and maintaining high relational hygiene.

In the past, whenever I read a relationship book, I could immediately see everything my partner was doing wrong. “If only he understood this, our relationship would be so much better.” I would often recommend the book to him, insisting that he needed to get it. How blind I was to the dynamics of love.
If I want to live in love, I must act as love. The problem was, I thought I was doing just that. My upbringing had taught me that codependency was the same as love, and in that, I had been given faulty programming. For a long time, I let my codependent patterns dictate my life. When they didn’t give me the results I wanted, I just tried harder, repeating the same approach over and over again, and growing frustrated with my partner for his unwillingness to change.
Until one day, everything shifted. I became aware of my patterns. Bit by bit, I realized that what I had believed was love was something entirely different. Opening your eyes is not an easy journey. It hurts, it is filled with shame, and there is rarely any turning back. In the beginning, you see more and more of yourself, but you can’t immediately do anything about it. The patterns run too deep.
This is the phase where many of my clients come to me and say, “I know, I see it, but I keep repeating the same thing over and over again. Why?”
Because insight is only the first step. It’s like realizing your health is in bad shape and that you need to make major lifestyle changes — perhaps change your diet, quit drinking alcohol, start exercising. This is where the real work begins — but also where the results start to show.
Understanding what needs to be done isn’t the hard part. The hard part is doing the work. And doing it every day. Choosing love, day after day. And here lies one of the greatest challenges: many codependent people think they are choosing love, but for something to be truly loving, it must be loving for everyone involved — including you.
Codependents have an extreme ability to forget themselves, their own needs, and struggle to set boundaries. But there is nothing loving about that. Love cannot grow without nourishment, and we need to start by giving it to ourselves. Otherwise, we act from a place of lack, and when we act from lack, we take rather than give — even if we have the best intentions.
We need to maintain our relational hygiene as frequently as we maintain our physical hygiene. Every day, multiple times a day. Just like you wash your hands.
Learn about your patterns. Get help to break them. And then check in with yourself every day: How did I make love visible today? What did I do well? When did I act from my old patterns? What do I need to apologize for? What can I change for tomorrow?

I promise, this will yield extraordinary results. It is a gift to yourself and your relationship. But few have the endurance to do the work. Maybe for a few days — but can you keep at it year after year?
There are no shortcuts to living in love. Love is wiser than that. It wants us to grow, to open our hearts, and to become a part of it, rather than standing on the sidelines just wanting to receive.
What are you willing to do to live a life in love?
With love Beatrice
Comments